The Future

This is the conclusion to a multi-part story I started some time ago.  Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four.   

     Diso, when we first started working together, I knew you needed three things:  you needed help, you needed experience, and you needed to find your way as a trainer and gym owner.  Now, four years later, you have all those things.  You have help, you have experience, you have found your way as a trainer and gym owner.  And I could not be more happy for you.  It is not in your nature to make the mistake I currently, perpetually, and willingly make:  holding on, refusing to let go.  You have called me out for this so many times over the years, this desire to keep things the same, to not allow myself to become the leader you want me to become.  When you found Venice I took your words to heart and dared if only for a moment to think long term, dared to look into the future I did not think I had.  What I saw was that you were right:  I do have to grow, I do have to change, and I will.  But I have to do it without you now, old friend.  And without PCF.  

     I have to do it under my own banner.  My own gym.

     The thought scared me unlike anything has scared me in years.  And it scared me that it scared me, if that makes sense.  You gave me everything Diso.  You gave me a chance, gave me carte blanche with your gym, trusted me with everything.  And I have learned so much from you.  So much that if you and I had never met, my life and character would undoubtedly be different.  You taught me how to be kind to people, how to let go, how to move on.  You taught me the value of not being afraid to try new things, to continually risk, and to accept the consequences of those risks.  It was from you that I learned the need to be flexible, to go with the flow, to not let mistakes or the past bog me down, or steal precious energy that will affect behavior, and therefore, coaching.  You showed me, although I may be black and white, that life is not always so, and I have to embrace that for what it is.   

 
First Joshua Tree trip.

     Having you around was such a funny contrast and magnifier for just how different we were, and it was great to see how we affected each other over time.  I will never forget you for that, or for how generous and giving you were to me, every second of every day.  You are a hippie.  You are free love to everybody, all the time.  For all your crazy adventures and risks, I never once feared for you because in your mind, everything is either okay, or will eventually be okay.  Your ADD and willowy spirit allows you to keep grasping and searching and trying new things all the time, each thing a new life unto itself, like embers of a campfire that spark and vanish in the blink of an eye.  And you projected this onto every person who walked into the gym.  These are things I simply don’t have.  I feel everything, remember everything, catalogue and process every detail of every matter, am able to recall events and memories, triumphs and failures, in all five senses, at any moment.  You have wings, I have roots, is what I sometimes tell people.  Because of this, I really believe the world needs you more than it needs me.  I think you will positively affect more people, over a wider and broader range of networks, than I could ever hope to.  You will find better ways to do things, faster, than me and my stubbornness will.  I cannot thank you enough for giving me these lessons and giving me the opportunity of a lifetime.

     Athletes and staff of PCF,  I have stared at this paragraph for hours and hours and have nothing.  I will miss you.  I am nothing without you, every single one of you.  Everything I have ever done, every training, social, and personal choice I’ve made, even before accepting Diso’s offer, was only ever meant for the good of the gym.  I’ve got lots of apologies to make to many of you reading this, but I’m so sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  You have no idea how much you mean to me, how much I fucking love all of you, how much I hate doing this, and have hated not being able to tell you.  I am happiest and most free when I am with you.  I have the greatest job in the whole fucking world, because of you.  And what do I do?  I fucking leave you.  The finest group of people I have had the pleasure to meet and get to know, and I’m ripping myself away from you like an idiot.  I never talk about CrossFit with my non CF friends and family, but when they ask me how things are going, I can’t help but to brag about how awesome it is to be surrounded by you guys.  I am surrounded by awesome people all the time.  Our message, our world, my duty as I see it, is an opportunity so rich, a responsibility so sacred, it becomes an obligation.  I have to do this.  You can understand that can’t you, PCF?  

     Here is a secret:  Whenever I look at any of you individually, coach any of you individually for however many minutes (seconds in MDR nights) I do not see you as you are.  I only see your future.  I see what you can be, if you commit to perfect practice, over days and weeks and months, and you are, everyone of you, monsters.  Wildebeests.  Stampeding herds I can only shepherd through whatever relationship and trust we’ve built.  With you, my life was absolutely, incontrovertibly, utterly fucking perfect.  Without you, I can’t even imagine it.  Without you, I am terrified, paranoid, lonely.  It was always your futures I saw, PCF.  Yours, not mine, never mine . . . Until now.  Was this what you intended for me, Diso?     

Take it away then brother (and if I wanted to stay as an athlete, what would my drop in fee be?)  Everyone else, party details in the works and may I request a ‘YEAH!’ in comments…

 
We will eat and drink together again soon . . . 

     “Just as I walked back into civilization, ie cell phone reception, this past Saturday, from my trek up the Grand Teton, I received a text from Zeb wanting to talk. Without knowing what he was going to tell me, I knew this was something important. Zeb doesn’t bother me with small details and his recent blog posts had already left me curious as to where his mind was at. When I landed in LA the following day, I met up with him at Venice as soon as I could. After a few cordial reflections about my trip, I said, What’s up? And with his response, came the announcement of the end of an era. It was not that I didn’t see it coming, but I never knew when it would happen. I have always believed and attempted to instill in Zeb that if we wanted to create a larger social change in the world, we must grow as coaches and individuals. I believe that our job is not only to coach athletes, but to coach coaches.

      The strength of CrossFit is about the shared experience among a community of individuals. This means regularly working, sacrificing and suffering as a group, but still maintaining your own unique set of goals and motivations. This is true not just for the group classes, but for a couple of young dudes starting a business. When I approached Zeb to coach with me, there was no plan for how this would all work out. We only knew that people should be performing constantly varied functional movement at high intensity (nerd alert!). That CrossFit was something so many people needed. We came from polar opposite backgrounds, but that did not matter. I never knew if those differences would manifest into Zeb opening his own gym or evolve into something within our walls. Nothing mattered more than sharing what we knew about Health and Fitness with whoever would listen…and that remains true even now. I am excited for the experiences Zeb is about to have and for the people that will have a chance to work with him. I am excited for our other coaches that will have the opportunity to fill in his shoes. I am excited for the growth of the community and the evolution of our mission of making the world a better place through Health and Fitness. 

     Zeb, you are the original CrossFit Nerd. (Fun Fact: Did you know that the CF Nerd shirt was originally supposed to have a caricature of Zeb on the front?) Those people that said you have a ‘hard face’ are correct! Remember to smile often, so people know what a softy you are…or you can just give them a hug:) Your stampeding herd of wildebeests in the evenings will surely miss you, but know that your presence will be etched into the culture of Paradiso CrossFit until the end of time. This is not a good bye, but an evolution in the story of our relationship. Oh, and don’t worry, I won’t charge you a drop in fee, just be sure to reserve your spot in advance:)”